


hazel eyes and honeysuckle daydreams

by ExyCherry



Series: Seth and Aaron because I can [4]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: AFTG Big Bang, Alternate Universe - No Exy (All For The Game), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mild Blood, Mild Gore, References to Drugs, References to Illness, Self-Indulgent, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:35:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26079607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExyCherry/pseuds/ExyCherry
Summary: the seth/aaron coffee shop hanahaki au that no one asked for but i'm writing anyway
Relationships: Seth Gordon/Aaron Minyard
Series: Seth and Aaron because I can [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1506623
Comments: 28
Kudos: 28
Collections: AFTG Big Bang





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> many thanks to the ever-wonderful [makebelieveanything](https://archiveofourown.org/users/makebelieveanything/pseuds/makebelieveanything) for beta'ing for me, and a huge shout out to [aftgfanart](https://aftgfanart.tumblr.com/) for the AMAZING artwork! none of this would be possible without y'all!
> 
> you can find the fic playlist [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7xKUKCmzvDqVGaHJcRqYid?si=ZfFGI2j-S5y2cdbzdA6rvA)!

Seth Gordon’s job is relatively simple: take orders, make drinks, keep a smile, and never put ice in the red blender. The on-campus coffee shop is quaint, but it pays well and the hours are flexible. Students are generally civil, occasionally nice, and sometimes rude. He’s had his fair share of scoldings from unsatisfied and likely overwhelmed customers, but he tries not to take it to heart. After all, this job is necessary for him to get through school. He has no scholarships to boast of, only enough financial aid to cover most of his tuition. That leaves him to cover meals, housing, textbooks, and the like, all on his own. It’s expensive, and he needs all the hours he can get.

Seth’s family is practically nonexistent in his mind. His brothers were unkind at best, his ever-busy mother never had the time to care, and his absent father was, well, absent. He tries to think about them as little as possible; he’s doing better now without them anyway.

The Quick Fix Café is the first consistent, good thing Seth has ever had in his life, and he likes it that way. He comes in daily after his last class and works until closing. If it’s not too busy he makes himself a cup of tea and sits down to start his homework. His coworkers are nice and his manager tries her best; all in all Seth is pretty sure he likes the whole situation.

Seth also likes a new customer that’s begun coming in regularly. His name is Jaren and he’s comically short; Seth has at least a foot on him. He’s got bleach blonde hair that Seth is convinced is a dye job, but most notably he’s so tired all the time that Seth can’t help but feel a little bad for him. The poor guy is dead on his feet every time Seth sees him.

Jaren, while often a high point in Seth’s shift, is also very rough around the edges. It’s a little annoying when he only says what he wants and nothing else, but Seth just shrugs it off. He’s had enough sessions with the campus psychologist to know that it’s likely not a personal attack against him. Jaren may be annoyingly cold to him, but it’s worth it to see the five foot blonde crane his neck up to look Seth in the face. 

Seth memorizes Jaren’s order out of habit. It’s purely accidental, but somehow Jaren seems almost offended by it.

“You remembered my coffee order?” he says, incredulous and annoyed. By Jaren’s tone Seth assumes he’s committed a major offense against him.

“Sorry?” Seth says. “Your total is—”

“$5.97, I know,” Jaren interjects. 

“You’re a little eager today.”

“It’s midterms, why wouldn’t I be?” he snaps.

“Whatever, man. Here’s your coffee. Try not to fail.”

Seth sees how he acts, like no one’s ever bothered to remember anything about him before, and it reminds him so staunchly of himself that he can’t help but wonder what’s hiding behind the veil of caffeine and emotional distance. At least, until he quite literally stomps off to an empty table to dump his things and presumably study.

_ It’s not worth it to ask,  _ Seth tells himself. He looks away and moves to the red blender to busy his hands. Someone’s put ice in it, much to his dismay, but fixing the piece of equipment is a welcome distraction. He makes a mental note to bring it up with his coworkers later.

Jaren comes in like clockwork, so it’s surprising when he doesn’t show up for a few days. It’s not that Seth cares, since they’re not even friends, but his brain still throws several unrealistic misfortunes his way until he has to remind himself that Jaren’s life is none of his business.

Seth doesn’t have to worry much longer because Jaren shows up four days later, half an hour past his usual, and increasingly more haggard than Seth’s ever seen him. “You look like death, blondie,” he says when Jaren steps up to the register. “You sure this much caffeine’s going to help?” 

“Oh, you care, huh?” Jaren throws back. He sounds like shit.

“Try echinacea tea. It’ll make you feel better,” Seth suggests.

“Tea won’t cure a common cold, medicine will.”

“Just try it. On the house.”

Jaren sighs and concedes, accepting the mug without further protest. He does, however, make sure that Seth sees him frown at least twice before he sits down. Seth rolls his eyes, amused, and returns to his cleaning.

About twenty minutes later, Seth hears the sound of a customer clearing their throat. He looks up to see a very displeased Jaren standing at the counter. “Can I help you?” Seth says.

“Fuck you,” Jaren says without heat. Seth bristles in annoyance. “Fuck you,” Jaren says again, “that wasn’t terrible, but I need some fucking caffeine. Can I just get normal coffee now?”

Seth rings him up for his usual without another word. He tips Seth five dollars and takes his coffee back to his table. Seth is suddenly very uninterested in ever seeing him again; he makes a mental note to complain about it to the campus psychologist later.


	2. Chapter 2

After the tea incident, Seth and Jaren revert back to their usual, impersonal interactions. Seth supposes it’s better off this way, seeing as they aren’t friends and probably never will be, and stops thinking about him almost entirely. Allison Reynolds now occupies the small portion of Seth’s thoughts that once housed Jaren, and he likes it that way.

Allison is wicked smart and drop dead gorgeous, and Seth is beyond thrilled that she even bothers with him. He’s pretty sure it’s just a bet from one of her friends when she walks in and starts chatting him up, but there are no other girls around and she seems genuinely interested when he starts actively engaging in conversation. Seth finds himself glancing over to see if Jaren’s watching, and to his own pleasant surprise he is. Jaren turns away quickly when he sees Seth looking at him, so Seth thinks nothing of it and gives Allison all of his attention. It’s good that he does, because if he hadn’t watched her speak he would’ve assumed he’d hallucinated.

“I was actually wondering,” Allison says, all glitz and glam and undeniable charm, “if you’d maybe want to go out sometime?”

Seth blinks at her a few times before realizing he hasn’t responded. “Oh!” he says. “Yeah. Yes. Yeah, I’d like that.”

Allison beams at him and, after a moment of hesitation, leans in to kiss his cheek. Seth is flying high, and for a moment any lingering thoughts of Jaren are gone from his mind.

Aaron is annoyed that he’s jealous. After all, the barista is clearly straight, and he’s pretty sure he thinks Aaron’s name is Byron or something. Aaron doesn’t care enough to correct him, so he pretends not to notice the potential slip.

_ Of course he’s going to say yes,  _ Aaron thinks to himself.  _ Anyone with eyes can see she’s his type. Of course he likes blondes.  _

He doesn’t acknowledge the fleeting follow-up reminding him that he’s  _ also  _ blonde.

Aaron hears the girl say, “Bye, Seth!” and watches her flutter her fingers at the obviously smitten barista.  _ Seth, _ Aaron thinks to himself, then files it away to tell Katelyn. 

Katelyn’s his best—and only—friend. They’re both biomed majors, so they have most of their classes together. They spend a majority of their time together, either studying or pretending to study or goofing off instead of studying, and he greatly enjoys her company. She’s almost like a sister to him in the way that tolerable sisters are, but her friends on the Vixens squad seem to think they’re dating. He doesn’t mind; neither does she. 

Aaron takes Katelyn to The Quick Fix Café on a Wednesday after class, and she gives him her all-knowing, best friend look when the barista—Seth—puts in his order by memory. W hen she hears Seth call out orders for “Ashlyn and Jaren”, she makes sure to politely correct him with a simple “Katelyn and Aaron?” to which Seth shrugs and hands her the drinks. 

“I did you a favor,” she teases Aaron. “You never told him your name is Aaron?”

“I don’t care enough to fix it,” Aaron replies with a roll of his eyes. 

“If I hear you bring him up one more time I’m going to have to doubt what you just said, you know.”

Aaron only halfway hears her, because the sound of Seth laughing catches his attention. He turns around to see the blonde girl chatting him up again, all smiles and conveniently exposed breasts. He decides that he doesn’t understand girls and turns back around.

“She’s not even pretty,” Aaron lies.

“Oh yes she is. I’d let her top me,” Katelyn says offhandedly. Aaron sighs and shakes his head, and Katelyn’s laughter fills up the room.

Jaren—no, Aaron—has a girl with him, and Seth decides he doesn’t like her. She isn’t rude or anything, but something in his stomach churns when he sees her and Aaron laughing together. Luckily Allison’s there to keep him preoccupied, because if he looks at them one more time he’s going to explode.  _ It’s because she’s clearly leading him on,  _ he reasons with himself. Not that he cares.

Allison says something that Seth assumes is a joke, so he smiles and nods like he's been paying attention, but it’s clearly not the reaction she’s looking for. “You’re not listening, are you?” she asks. Seth turns back around to face her and smiles again. Allison sighs and shakes her head.

“Sorry I wasted my time,” she says bitterly, and Seth hardly has time to think before she’s out the door. He considers going after her, but hearing Aaron laugh again is enough to make him forget. He feels a faint tingling sensation in his throat right before he starts coughing, so he steps into the bathroom to let it out. It’s lucky that he does, because he coughs a flower petal into the sink.

It’s an odd thing to have stuck in his throat, but he shrugs it off indifferently. One little blip like that can’t kill him. After all, it’s just a flower petal. When had flowers ever been deadly anyway?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings for: abuse mention, suicide mention, death mention, drugs/overdose mention

Seth must look just as tired as he feels if Aaron notices. It’s nice to know someone cares, he supposes, but Aaron’s version of caring seems unnecessarily snarky.

“The raccoon convention is next weekend,” Aaron quips as Seth rings up his coffee.

“Huh?” Seth replies eloquently.

“The dark circles under your eyes. You look like shit.”

“Thanks,” Seth says dryly. “I was up late because I suck at calculus.”

“I can help,” Aaron offers, momentarily forgetting that Seth isn’t his friend. “We’re in the same class. Kate, too. I usually study with her.”

“I wouldn’t want to bother you and your girlfriend.”

“Oh, she’s not my girlfriend,” Aaron says quickly. “We’re just good friends.”

Seth tilts his head to the side inquisitively, but shrugs and accepts Aaron’s explanation without comment. “When are you free?”

“My last class ends at six.”

“I finish closing at ten thirty, does that work?”

Aaron nods and accepts his coffee. “I’ll see you tonight.”

Seth’s about to start mopping when he hears a knock on the glass door. “We’re closed,” he calls out, but when he turns to look, a familiar blonde is looking back at him. He leans the mop handle against a chair and goes to let Aaron in. 

“Sorry I’m early,” Aaron says.

“Don’t be. I just need a few minutes and then I’m good to clock out.”

Aaron sits and waits while Seth cleans, making idle chit chat all the while. From this, Seth learns Aaron is a twin and a biomed major. He’s a sophomore at Palmetto. All Seth mentions is that he’s from Alabama. Aaron asks about it, but Seth pretends not to hear. He doesn’t feel like rehashing that part of his life right now. Or ever.

“So,” Aaron says after a beat, “that girl.”

Seth pauses, then sighs and sits across from Aaron. “Yeah. That girl. She’s something else.”

“Girlfriend?”

Seth snorts and shakes his head. “She’s too good for me,” he says. “It didn’t work out.”

“That’s rough, buddy.”

Something frigid and bitter lances through Seth’s chest, something akin to jealousy that turns the back of his neck cold and tickles his throat. Before he has time to realize it, Seth’s coughing uncontrollably. There’s something stuck in his throat and for a brief moment he feels like he can’t breathe, until suddenly he hacks up a handful of flower petals into his hands.

“Jesus shit, Seth, are you okay?”

Seth shoves the petals into his pocket before Aaron can see them. He’ll deal with it later.

“Choked on my own spit,” he lies. Aaron accepts it without hesitation.

Seth finishes cleaning shortly thereafter, and follows Aaron out the door. Aaron walks in the direction of the library and tries to make more smalltalk, but after Seth’s sullen silence, drops it altogether. Seth is wrapped up in his own head, so Aaron isn’t going to bother him.

“Maybe you should just head back to your dorm,” Aaron says. 

“What?” Seth replies, ever the linguist. 

“You look exhausted. We can study tomorrow.”

“Are you sure?”

“You won’t retain any information if you’re half asleep the whole time. I wouldn’t want to waste my time on a lost cause.”

Aaron’s words sting more than they should. Seth lets his shoulders drop and conceals the wounded look on his face with a half-hearted smile. “Yeah,” he says. “You’re probably right.”

Seth seeks Aaron out the next day. Their calculus class isn’t exactly large, so it’s not hard to find the blonde and his (much taller) redheaded companion. She waves at him in greeting; Aaron nods in his direction.

“Katherine, right?” Seth says, in lieu of a ‘hello’.

“Katelyn,” the girl replies, not unkindly. Her accent is thicker than her false eyelashes.

“Right, got it.”

A long, awkward silence falls over the trio, and Seth wishes he could just disappear right then and there. Thankfully he’s saved by the professor clapping loudly to start the lesson.

Seth zones out about two minutes into class. He doesn’t mean to, but he was up most of the night obsessing over the flower petals he’d thrown up. He knows they’re honeysuckle but that’s really it. He did a little digging and figured out he’s got some weird disease that afflicts people who are falling—or already—in love with someone who doesn’t love them back. What he doesn’t know is who.

He’s pretty sure it’s Allison. She’s the only girl on his mind, albeit fleetingly, and she was wearing a pin in her hair with a honeysuckle flower on it when she asked him out. There’s no one else it could possibly be. It has to be her. Seth makes a mental note to talk to her later, and suddenly the lecture is over.

“—lunch with us? Seth?” 

Seth startles at the sound of his name and looks up to see Aaron and Katelyn staring at him.

“What was the question?” he asks sheepishly.

“Would you like to get lunch with us?” Katelyn repeats, all smiles and southern charm.

“Yeah,” Seth says. “Yeah, lunch sounds good.”

Seth is quiet through all of lunch. He’s too stuck in his own head to catch a single word either of his companions say. Aaron tries to talk to him a few times but drops it after a sequence of unanswered questions. Katelyn, enthusiastic as always, attempts to rope him into conversation throughout the whole lunch block. Aaron has to admit she’s persistent; that’s one of the things he loves about her. Regardless, Seth doesn’t stay after he’s finished eating, instead leaving Aaron and Katelyn alone.

“Who’s on your mind?” Katelyn asks, her all-knowing smile taking over her face.

“I think the question is  _ what’s  _ on your mind,” Aaron quips. Katelyn rolls her eyes.

“Aaron Minyard, you watch your tone,” she drawls, raising an eyebrow at him in warning.

Aaron sighs and shakes his head. 

“Oh, you don’t know,” Katelyn says suddenly.

“Don’t know what?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Kate.”

“You need to figure it out for yourself, honey bunch.”

Aaron runs his fingers through his hair and shakes his head again. Katelyn knows him better than he does, and it’s infuriating sometimes. She’s always making some speculation about him that ends up being true, but she never tells him what she thinks.  _ You have to trust the process, sugar pea,  _ she’ll say, like she’s some kind of voodoo witch with spell books and prophecies and potions galore. 

“What are you doing in your next class?” he asks after a beat.

“We have a quiz,” Katelyn replies with a groan. “I was up late studying and I don’t remember any of it.” The plea in her voice is clear. If it wasn’t, her puppy dog eyes speak for themselves. 

“Yes, I’ll help you study,” Aaron says with a sigh, feigning annoyance.

Katelyn places a stack of flashcards in his outstretched hand. Aaron’s a good study buddy even if it’s just running flashcards. He’s patient with her, and he knows how she thinks. He keeps her grounded, and she makes sure he doesn’t overwork himself. They’re inseparable. 

Aaron doesn’t tell her he loves her enough, he muses to himself. He’s fairly certain she knows how much she means to him, but one can never be too careful with these things, lest he lose her friendship forever. He’s only ever had her and Andrew, and he’s not quite sure if Andrew even counts.

Aaron’s relationship with his twin is complicated, to say the least. Andrew’s presence in his life is neither welcomed nor protested. He’s more like a silent shadow, ever-watching, always waiting. He’s been Aaron’s sole defender for as long as they’ve known each other. Aaron can’t say he’s grateful, considering Andrew quite literally murdered their mother, but he does appreciate him (quietly, to himself, and very infrequently). 

Sometimes Aaron wonders what his life would be like if he had never met Andrew. Would he even live long enough to make it as far as he already has? It’s a 50/50 chance that he either would’ve killed himself or his mother would’ve beaten him to death. Well, there was always the factor of the drugs, but Aaron groups them together with suicide. He’d always known they could kill him, but he never bothered to care. If he was dead his mother couldn’t hit him anymore, could she?  _ Where there’s a will there’s a way, _ Aaron thinks.

Seth’s shift is relatively uneventful, though Aaron and Katelyn do stop by for a bit. Aaron stays and studies until closing time, but Katelyn leaves as soon as she’s finished her drink. Seth’s coworker, Mindy, is in charge of closing tonight, so he and Aaron head straight for the library when Seth’s shift is up.

Aaron is a surprisingly patient study buddy, Seth finds, and neither of them notice how late it is until Aaron breaks into a fierce yawn. Seth checks his phone, and to his surprise it’s well after midnight already. 

“I think that’s our cue,” Aaron says. Seth nods in agreement, shoving his notebooks and flashcards into his backpack.

“Thank you,” Seth says after a beat. “For helping me study. I appreciate it, darlin’.”

The pair freezes. Seth’s face is contorted into an expression of mortification and terror, while Aaron just looks smug. Seth hasn’t slipped like that in months, though he supposes he can attribute it to how tired he is.

“You really are from Alabama,” Aaron says, a teasing lilt to his voice.

“Shut your mouth,” Seth retorts, then reaches out to punch Aaron in the arm. There’s another brief pause before they both break into peals of laughter.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings for: abuse mention, drugs mention, vomiting, light homophobia

As the weeks go by, Aaron finds himself growing increasingly more fond of Seth. Katelyn seems to like him plenty, which is all the confirmation Aaron needs to know that he’ll be keeping Seth around.  After all, Kate’s an excellent judge of character (though she did often claim she failed in choosing Aaron as a friend; his “vibes were off”, supposedly).

Seth hasn’t given much more thought to his condition. He knows it’s Allison, but she hasn’t really spoken to him since she blew him off—not that she wasn’t justified, given Seth’s inattentiveness. He’d thought it would go away, but it’s only gotten worse. 

He’s not going to tell Aaron. Knowing him, he’d get all in a tizzy and try to figure out a solution. Seth doesn’t need help, and he certainly doesn’t need pity. Call it obstinance, idiocy, whatever, but Seth won’t be accepting any help on the matter. It’s his problem to deal with; Aaron already puts up with him enough.

If Aaron notices Seth’s acting off, he doesn’t mention it. Seth’s glad for that; he’s not sure how he’d explain his way out of it. He doesn’t plan on looking it up again either, because then it’ll just scare him into getting help.  _ Gordons don’t accept help, _ Seth’s father had told him when he was young, and he lives by that.  _ Gordons don’t accept help, because Gordons are not weak little pussies. Isn’t that right, Bryan? _

It’s a sensitive memory, his father. Seth can’t help but miss him even after everything he’d done to their family. It’s a hole he’ll never fill, and he’s not looking to do so either. It feels wrong, the idea of finding someone new to replace him. Like he’s abandoning his family, somehow, no matter the fact that they gave up on him first.

Aaron knows about Seth’s past now; the drugs, the divorce, the neglect. He knows every fight Seth’s ever won and how many bones he’s had broken. He also knows about his brothers, Jeremy and Duncan, which Seth often wishes he’d never mentioned. They were a moldy splotch in the back of his mind that he doesn’t care much for. At least, that’s what he tells himself.  _ They’re gone, and they can’t hurt you anymore. _

Seth knows some of Aaron’s past. He was forthcoming about his drug problems, likely because Seth had shared his own, but the subject of his family is a sore one. His brother, Andrew, puts a sour look on Aaron’s face wherever he comes up in conversation.  _ “Bad blood?” _ Seth had asked. 

_ “Yeah. Something like that.” _

Aaron never mentions his parents. All he’s said is he never knew his dad. He talks about his aunt and uncle sometimes, and his cousin Nicky, but never his mother. Seth supposes he’ll never forgive her for separating him and his twin at birth.

Katelyn’s always been transparent about her past. As far as Seth can tell, her life was peachy perfect. She grew up in South Carolina, with two sisters and an older brother. Her parents were divorced but lived together to raise the kids. She also mentioned that at one point she’d been allowed to keep a stray cat. Bitterly, Seth had wished he had a cat of his own.

When he gets his own place, he’s going to get a cat. It’s the one promise he’s made to himself. He’s never been optimistic about much, to avoid being let down, but this is one fantasy he allows himself to indulge in: a cat of his own, in a dinky one-bedroom apartment with a leaky sink and disappointing water pressure. But it’ll be close to work, so it’ll do. 

Aaron had laughed at him when he brought it up. _ “You don’t want anything better for yourself?” _ he had asked. Seth shrugged it off. 

_ “Keeps me from being let down.” _

Seth thinks about his friends often lately. He finds himself zoning out in class, at work, while studying. It’s becoming a problem, but Seth’s never really had friends before, and he’s going to allow himself to appreciate this one good thing for as long as it lasts. It’ll end soon, he supposes, given that he’s graduating this year and his friends still have two more years to complete. It’s taken him five years, but he’s proud of himself for making it this far.

His parents hadn’t gone to college, and his father was a high school dropout. As far as Seth’s concerned, he’s already surpassed his parents substantially thus far.

He tells Aaron this on a calm Sunday afternoon, outside, sitting beneath a tree with study materials scattered between them. 

“You’re doing great,” Aaron tells him, with a reassuring hand placed over Seth’s, and something in Seth’s heart blooms with warmth. 

“You think so?” Seth asks.

“I know so.”

Seth finds himself vomiting into the toilet about an hour after he and Aaron finish studying. As he’s kneeling on the tile floor, shoulders bent over the porcelain bowl, it hits him like a bullet train. “Oh,” he says, then bends over to heave up another blossom.

His roommate, Ross, knocks on the door after the vomiting’s stopped. “Hey, Seth?” he says.

“I’m coming out, I’m coming out,” Seth replies, then flushes the remains of his floral malady and rinses his mouth out. He opens the door to find Ross staring at him, eyebrows scrunched in concern.

“You good, man?” 

“Yeah,” Seth lies smoothly. “Yeah, I’m great.”

They’re sprawled on the floor of Seth’s dorm when it happens again. Aaron’s telling a story about some weird history teacher he had in high school, and there’s something important about the phrase “It is better to die on your feet than live on your knees” but he can’t remember what. It’s going on two in the morning, and they’re both loopy from exhaustion. 

Aaron’s sitting criss cross applesauce with his back against Seth’s bed. Seth is laying on the floor, his head at Aaron’s feet, while he’s talking. Then, without thinking, he shifts to lay his head in Aaron’s lap. Aaron laughs, but goes with it anyway. They’re close enough friends that this isn’t abnormal.

The problem, then, is not how Seth is laying, but instead how Aaron’s fingers feel in his hair. It’s a simple touch really, but Seth hasn’t been touched this gently in a very long time. There’s a comforting warmth in being so close to another person in a safe environment like this, such that he has little qualms about dozing off.

Aaron’s faced with a dilemma. Seth is asleep in his lap, and his own legs are going numb. Though Seth’s roommate said he’d be at his girlfriend’s dorm all night, Aaron still has the issue of his own roommate: his twin. Aaron hadn’t mentioned when he’d be returning, but he still doesn’t feel like dealing with an angry Andrew tonight. Rather than wake Seth, Aaron instead reaches for his phone to send a quick text. Hopefully it's enough to satisfy his overprotective brother.

Aaron’s surprisingly at peace, here with Seth, even though they’re not doing anything and Seth’s out like a light. He scowls in his sleep, Aaron notes fondly. A memory comes to mind then; it’s an ugly, harsh little thing that makes his blood run cold. “ _ Being a homosexual is sinful, Aaron. You don’t want to go to hell, do you?” _

_ “No Uncle Luther.”  _

_ “That’s a good lad.” _

Aaron clenches his jaw, determined not to make any sudden movements, lest he wake his sleeping friend. Seth doesn’t sleep enough, and it makes Aaron worry. After all, what kind of person  _ wouldn’t  _ worry if their friend only slept for three hours a night?

Seth rolls over so suddenly it causes Aaron to flinch, and Seth’s head hits the floor with a hearty thump, waking him upon impact. A grin breaks out across Aaron’s face just as the confusion crosses Seth’s. “Did you have a good nap?” Aaron teases, and Seth groans.

“I think I’m going to be sick!”

Seth bolts up from the floor and locks himself in the bathroom. Aaron can hear retching from behind the door. He stands up to knock on the door after a minute passes. “Hey, Seth?” he calls out. “Are you okay? Do you need the nurse?”

“Must’ve eaten something bad,” Seth groans in reply. “I’ll be alright.”

Seth knows that he will not, in fact, be alright. He’s getting worse every day, and Aaron’s going to know something isn’t quite right sooner or later. He debates just coming clean about it, but then he knows Aaron will ask who, and Seth doesn’t think he can lie to Aaron like that. 

Aaron’s face is wrought with worry when Seth opens the door. Seth cracks a good-natured smile at his friend, reaching down to clap him on the shoulder. “You don’t have to worry about me,” he says, knowing damn well that Aaron’s going to worry anyway.

“I’m going to worry about you,” Aaron says. Predictable. Seth wants to kiss his frown away.

_ Oh, _ he thinks.  _ That’s new. _


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings for: homophobic slur, implied death threats, vomiting, blood mention

Seth starts making excuses to stop seeing Aaron. It’s hard, given the fact that they share a class and a lunch spot, and that Aaron comes by Seth’s place of work daily for a coffee. But Seth tries his best, and somehow manages to time his bathroom breaks just as Aaron’s about to show up for his coffee. It helps that his friend is predictable; it helps even more that he knows his habits.

Dodging his calls is harder than avoiding him in-person, Seth finds. He wants nothing more than to listen to Aaron ramble. He’ll make this face, not quite scrunched up, but far too taut to be considered natural. If it’s something he’s angry about, he’ll pace. If it’s something he’s interested in, he’ll tug at his hair. Seth knows too much about this boy.

Aaron’s texts don’t let up like Seth had hoped. If anything he becomes more persistent. Seth considers telling him to fuck off. He marks the notifications as read without opening them.

**2:53 PM**   
_ Hey  _ _  
_ _ Seth _

**4:27 PM** **  
** _ Seth  _ _  
_ _ I saw this book I think you’d like _ _  
_ **_[Image attachment]_ **

**1:35 AM** ****  
_ Make sure you finish the calc homework _ _  
_ _ Call me _

Seth skips work for the first time in four months. He’s not sure he can bring himself to hide from Aaron again, but if he wants to fix whatever’s wrong with him he has to. He doesn’t want to die, not after his brothers had told him his “fag sin” would, in fact, justify a violent and unnatural end. He’s too stubborn for that. No, if Seth dies, it’s going to be on his own terms, deadly illness be damned.

Since he has the night off, he decides to take a walk. The campus is nice in the evening, he finds. He sits down on an empty bench to watch the sun set, already hanging low in the sky, and it’s beautiful. After about five minutes of sitting, he feels a presence beside him.

“Hey,” Aaron says.

“Hey,” Seth replies. A pause. “Thanks for reminding me about the calc homework.”

“I figured you’d forget.”

“Aaron?”

“Yeah?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

Seth’s not angry, and Aaron can tell, but he still makes a face like he’s deeply offended. “Ouch,” he says, and Seth can’t help but grin. He’d missed Aaron more than he’d thought.

“Do you need a bandaid for your fragile ego?” Seth teases.

Neither of them acknowledge Seth’s recent distance. That’s the thing about Aaron: he doesn’t pry. Seth appreciates that about him. It means he can say as much or as little as he wants, and Aaron will take what he gets, every single time. 

“I need stitches for the hole you’ve teared in my chest,” Aaron fires back. The irony has Seth cracking up. Aaron, assuming Seth thinks his joke is funny, joins in. They sit and laugh for a while, content to enjoy each other’s company, and in those spare moments everything feels right.

Seth stops ignoring Aaron after that. He’s going to die anyway, he reasons with himself, so why cut out the only person he’s ever let in? A lonely death is a sad one. Seth’s had enough of being sad. He’s going to die the happiest bastard in the world, if he can help it.

Aaron, of course, notices this shift in Seth’s demeanor. “You’ve changed,” he says, lying on his stomach on the floor of Seth’s dorm. 

“Oh?” Seth says, looking up from his homework. “How so?”

“You’re happier than usual.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Seth grabs the pillow under his elbows and whacks his friend on the back of the head. It’s awkward, since he’s laying on his bed, but he lands a hearty blow nonetheless.

“You just seem happier, that’s all,” Aaron says with a laugh. “You look like a lovesick teenager from one of those shitty Hallmark movies.”

“Fuck off, why don’t you?”

Seth smacks Aaron across the face this time. Aaron makes an ‘oomph’ noise, followed by the sound of his glasses skittering across the floor. “Oh, you’re going to regret that!”

Seth rolls onto his back with the intention of sitting up, but Aaron swiftly climbs onto the mattress and presses a knee into Seth’s chest. It’s not enough to hurt, but it keeps him from moving anyway. There’s a challenge whispering in his eyes. Seth hopes his own are whispering right back.

“Gotcha,” Aaron says. He’s gone quieter than he was before, and his face is a breath away from Seth’s. Against his better judgement, Seth finds himself leaning forward, slightly, slightly.

“Wanna bet?” Seth replies. Without warning, he hooks his leg around Aaron’s waist and flips them over, now with his own knee putting a gentle pressure on Aaron’s chest. Aaron’s laughing and shaking his head, and it’s all Seth can do to keep from kissing him. Fortunately for his self-control, Aaron moves to flip them again. Unfortunately for his back, his friend miscalculates the force necessary to make it happen, and throws Seth onto the floor.

“Son of a bitch!” Seth wheezes, the breath knocked clean out of him.

“I win,” Aaron replies, kneeling on the mattress and looking down over his fallen companion.

Seth stands up and dusts imaginary dirt off his pants, then lunges forward to grab Aaron by the waist and sling him over his own shoulders like a sack of potatoes. Aaron yelps in surprise and pounds against Seth’s back.

“Put me down!” he laughs.

“As you wish,” Seth replies with a smirk, then throws his friend down onto the mattress MMA style.

“I concede! I concede!” Aaron cries out, throwing up his hands in surrender. “You win.”

“And don’t you forget it,” Seth says smugly. Then, to his horror, there’s a choking sensation in his throat. “No no no no,” he says, bolting towards the bathroom. He doesn’t close the door as he moves to kneel over the toilet, heaving up flowers into the bowl. 

“Seth!” Aaron says, voice filled with concern. Seth flushes the flowers down before Aaron can see. “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Seth croaks hoarsely, then wipes the corner of his mouth. Blood. “Probably just a flu.”

“You look like hell. Have you seen the nurse?” 

Seth shakes his head and rinses his mouth out in the sink. The nurse can’t fix whatever’s wrong with him.

“Well you should. I swear if it’s contagious I’m going to kill you.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be a doctor or something?”

“That’s the goal.”

“Do no harm, asshole.”

Aaron blinks at him a few times before sighing and rolling his eyes. “Go to sleep. You’ll feel better when you wake up.”

He won’t, but Aaron doesn't need to know that. Aaron doesn’t need to know a single thing about his condition, because he’ll just worry. Seth hates when he worries. There’s a little dimple in his forehead when he does; Seth wants to kiss it.

Thoughts like that are what send him kneeling on the bathroom floor. He needs to stop thinking about Aaron’s forehead dimples and addictive laughter. He  _ especially _ needs to stop thinking about his lips. They’ll just hurt him in the end.

Against Seth’s protestations, Aaron tucks him into bed before he leaves. “Don’t come to class tomorrow if you’re still feeling ill,” he warns. “You’ll just exhaust yourself.”

The sound of the door closing sounds faintly like what Seth imagines the nail in a coffin would. He’s absolutely fucked. 


	6. Chapter 6

Aaron’s told Katelyn that Seth is ill, because when Seth sees her in class,  she immediately places her hand on his forehead to check for a fever. “You really don’t have to do that,” Seth tells her. Aaron shakes his head slightly and mouths  _ Just let her _ .

“Yes I do,” Katelyn replies pragmatically. “You feel a little warm. Are you drinking water? You’re definitely going to be dehydrated after getting sick like you did last night. Are you sure you should even be here today?”

“I’m paying way too much money to miss class over a low grade fever. Unless you’d like to cough up a few hundred dollars for every class I miss, in which case I’ll gladly take the day off.”

Aaron rolls his eyes and  Katelyn scoffs. She pats Seth’s cheek affectionately before stepping back out of his space. “Nice try, sugar pea. Just keep a low profile today. You’ll thank me later.”

“Oh, I will?”

Aaron reaches up to smack Seth in the back of his head. He misses, instead landing the blow across Seth’s shoulder blades. Seth snorts, bemused.

“Behave, children,” Katelyn scolds lightheartedly. “Fight after class, yes? Good.”

True to Katelyn’s word, as soon as the trio steps out of the classroom, Seth pulls Aaron into a headlock and rubs his fist into Aaron’s hair. “Aw, come on!” Aaron protests. “No fair!”

“If you can land one on me I’ll grant you bragging rights for a month,” Seth says. He knows it’s not going to happen, but seeing Aaron’s eyes light up with the thrill of a challenge is exhilarating. 

“Deal.”

“Shake on it,” Katelyn chimes in.

Seth’s hand dwarfs Aaron’s, a fact that he points out very smugly. “It’s like shaking hands with a child,” he teases.

“I know where you sleep,” Aaron warns in response. 

“You couldn’t hurt me even if you wanted to, midget.”

“Just who do you think you are?  _ Midget, _ he says. Let’s not forget who flipped who off the bed last night.”

“You’re forgetting the part where I picked you up like a sack of potatoes.”

Katelyn’s eyes dart back and forth between her bickering friends, eager to hear every detail that they’re willing to provide. She catches Aaron’s attention just long enough to flash him her  _ We’re going to talk about this later _ look. There’s clearly been a development in the boys’ relationship with each other, and she wants to know everything about it. 

Aaron talks about Seth more than anything else, Kate’s noticed. She can see why; objectively, Seth isn’t terrible on the eyes. Not her type, but she’s not blind. She sees how Aaron looks at him, and how he looks at Aaron. There’s something there, and neither of them realize it (at least Aaron hasn’t, Seth looks far too forlorn to be oblivious). 

Kate decides, then and there, that she’s going to set them up on a date, and they’ll  _ have _ to work it out somehow. She doesn’t want to watch them pine after each other when she knows how to fix it. Frankly, it’s annoying watching Seth flash his heart eyes all the time and get absolutely nowhere. He’s good for Aaron, so she has no qualms about her plan.

Unfortunately, their relaxing lunch is cut short by a rather small but nonetheless looming shadow. 

“Aaron,” Andrew Minyard says, in lieu of a greeting. He doesn’t acknowledge Seth or Katelyn.

Kate sees Aaron’s back stiffen at the presence of his twin. No other words are said as he stands up from the table and follows after Andrew. He shoots an apologetic grimace at his friends, and then he’s gone. 

“Asshole,” Seth huffs. 

“You can say that again,” Kate replies. Her shoulders are tense, despite Andrew no longer being within their vicinity. She’s still hung up on his threats in the library a few months prior. 

“I don’t like him.” Seth pauses. “Don’t tell Aaron I said that,” he adds after a beat.

“He’s certainly a treasure.”

An awkward silence falls between the pair. It’s a perfect opportunity for Kate to set her half-formed plan into motion, but something in her freezes at the prospect.

“I see how you look at him,” she settles on. It’s certainly not how she wants to start the conversation, but it does the trick nonetheless. “At Aaron, I mean.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Seth replies defensively. 

“Relax, cowboy, your secret’s safe with me.” 

Kate’s gambling here, but she’s always liked her odds. True to her luck, Seth sighs and shakes his head, letting his face fall forward into his hands. 

“I don’t know what to do,” he mumbles. “I can’t say anything or I’ll make it weird.”

“Take him on a date,” she replies simply. Seth looks up quickly, face aghast at the prospect. “Oh, don’t look at me like that, I’m not trying to kill you.”

“Why are you so sure about this?”

“Take him on a date. Scope it out. See how it feels. At the end, tell him you had a good time. If you’re not sure, tell him you’re glad to have a friend like him. Figure it out from there.”

Seth stares at her like she’s grown a second head. 

“I can’t do all the work for you, sugar. But if you keep pining from a distance, nothing will come of it. That’s a guarantee.” Kate glances at the time on her phone and stands. “Think about it. You have my number, text me.”

She walks away before Seth has time to protest. He’ll sort it out, she reasons with herself. She’ll do what she can on her end to help them along, but in the long run it’s not in her power to decide if they succeed or not. No amount of meddling can replace genuine human connection.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings for: death mention, vomiting

Seth spends longer than strictly necessary typing out a text message, especially given that it’s so short. Aaron’s his friend, he won’t think it’s weird if Seth asks him to dinner. Although, dinner is less casual than lunch. What if Aaron thinks it’s a date and says no? Seth’s definitely overthinking this. Right?

“Calm down, you big baby!” Katelyn says from her end of the phone. “Asking if he wants to grab dinner is something friends do! I grab dinner with the Vixens all the time!”

“There’s a  _ difference, _ Katelyn!”

Seth rolls onto his back and flops an arm over his face, huffing out a long sigh. There’s a long silence on Katelyn’s end before she speaks again. “What’s the worst that can happen?” 

“He’ll say no.”

Seth can’t tell her what it means if he doesn’t figure this out. He doesn’t need her pity, and he certainly doesn’t want it either. He also doesn’t want to die, but that’s not something either of them can really control. 

“Get it together, sugar pea. You’ll never know unless you ask.”

“I know,” Seth sighs. “I think I’d rather not know and save myself the trouble.”

“Don’t you give up, now. Buck up and call him!”

Before Seth can protest, the line goes silent. He groans and sits up, staring at his phone reluctantly. Katelyn’s right, he tells himself. It’s just dinner, and it’s just Aaron. He can do this.

The dial tone is a funeral march and Seth’s phone is the hearse. Cause of death: respiratory failure. Rest In Peace, BRYAN SETH GORDON. He Will Be Missed.

Before he can psych himself out, Seth hears the dial tone stop. “Hello?” Aaron says, sounding a bit groggy.

“Hey,” Seth says. “You weren’t asleep, were you?”

“At ten in the morning on a Saturday? Yeah, I was asleep. Normally you are too. What’s up?”

Seth stumbles over his words. He’s not sure whether to say  _ Do you want to go for dinner with me? _ or  _ Do you want to get something to eat later? _ and so he settles for, “Do you want to eat me for dinner later?”

Aaron falls silent. Seth doesn’t quite realize what he said until it’s too late. He feels his cheeks flush in embarrassment, but before he can say anything, Aaron chimes in with, “Come again?”

“Do you want to get dinner with me later?” Seth says, certain he’s blown it. Instead, he hears Aaron laugh.

“Yes, that sounds good. Promise it’s not human meat?”

Seth laughs nervously, silently berating himself. “Only if you want it to be. Pick you up at six?”

“Yeah.”

There’s another awkward silence, and Seth wants to drown in it. How could he have slipped like that? He’s about to hang up when he hears Aaron let out a soft laugh.

“Are you  _ sure  _ you’re not on the menu?” he teases. Seth hangs up.

Not ten seconds later, his phone rings again.

“Come on,” Aaron says, a playful lilt to his voice. “I’m just teasing you.”

“You are a menace to society. Who left you unsupervised? Tell Andrew to stop letting you speak.”

“Let’s not forget your blunder, Mr. Do-You-Want-To-Eat-Me-For-Dinner. You’re not so innocent either.”

“Oh, fuck off!”

“Make me.”

Seth sucks in a breath before firing back, “Don’t think I won’t.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

Seth hangs up.

Seth knocks on the door of Aaron’s dorm right at six o’clock. He prides himself on his punctuality, and Aaron knows this. The door opens just as Seth’s hand falls back to his side. He grins and dips into a dramatic bow, then holds out his arm. Aaron laughs and links their elbows, allowing Seth to lead him out to his truck.

“You’re quite the gentleman,” Aaron says, quirking an eyebrow at his friend.

“What can I say?” Seth replies, then opens the passenger side door for Aaron. “I know how to treat a man right.”

“Seth Gordon, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think this was a date.” Seth’s eyes widen, and Aaron throws him a playful wink. “Relax, I know it’s not.”

“Right!” Seth says with a nervous laugh. “Right, yeah.”

The drive is pleasant, filled with easy banter and quiet music from Seth’s staticky radio. Seth pulls into the parking lot of a dumpy-looking diner, with only half of the letters on the neon sign actually lighting up.

“Bobby’s Diner?” Aaron says quizzically. 

“Just trust me,” Seth replies.

The inside of the diner has a very clean, retro feel to it. With black and white checkered floors, red painted walls, and plasticky light blue booths, it looks every part the classic mockup it’s meant to be. After a second glance around, Aaron notices a jukebox nestled in the corner.

“How’d you find this place?” he asks Seth as they look over the menus.

“Luck,” Seth says.

“It’s nice.”

Their food comes quickly, and Aaron’s burger is the best he’s ever had. Seth appears equally pleased with his own meal. 

“You look like you’re enjoying yourself,” Seth says as Aaron wolfs down his burger.

“Can I use the word decadent? It’s fucking decadent.”

Seth laughs heartily and shakes his head. “You’re something else, you know that?” 

“I’m aware,” Aaron fires back.

Seth opens his mouth to speak, but pauses when he sees ketchup on the corner of Aaron’s lip. Without thinking, he reaches out to brush it away with his thumb. “You have a little something,” he says.

Aaron sucks in a quick breath, momentarily startled out of coherent thought. “Oh,” he says after a beat. “Thanks.” He clears his throat and ducks his head, focusing his attention on his plate. Why did that get such a reaction out of him? He and Seth touch each other all the time, it’s not like it’s the first time.  _ Get it together, Aaron, _ he thinks to himself.  _ That wasn’t anything big. _

Seth steals the check before Aaron has the chance to fight him for it. They leave Bobby’s feeling pleasantly full, and Seth is so wrapped up in the moment that he doesn’t feel himself getting sick until it’s too late. 

“Seth? What’s wrong?” 

Seth can’t bear to hear the concern laced in Aaron’s words. He looks up at his friend from where he’s kneeling in front of his truck, and he sees Aaron go pale.

“You’re sick,” Aaron says, voice shaking like he doesn’t want to believe it’s true. “How long?”

“It’s been about three months,” Seth says. His throat is hoarse. The three full honeysuckle flowers at his feet are laughing at him.

“Seth,” Aaron chokes out. “You can’t.”

“I am.”

“Go to a fucking doctor, Seth. Get help.”

“I don’t need help,” Seth says. He wants to punch Aaron square in the jaw. “You don’t know what it’s like, Aar. So don’t you fucking tell me to get help because this is my goddamn problem and I can handle it.”

Aaron rakes a hand through his hair, clearly agitated. Seth’s being an idiot and Aaron doesn’t know if it’s out of spite or just plain lunacy. “You’re going to a doctor,” he says, “and I’m coming with you. I won’t stand idly by and watch you kill yourself over some girl.”

Seth takes a shuddering breath and holds it for seven counts like the campus psychologist’s told him to do thousands of times. He unclenches his fists, slowly, slowly, as if afraid of snapping his own fingers by moving too quickly. “Fine,” he says, too quiet and eerily calm. “I’ll go.”

“Tomorrow, then?”

“Tomorrow.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings for: detailed description of illness/gore, homophobic language, abuse, blood, implied vomiting, death mention

Dr. Ellison is a nice man with striking grey eyes. He smiles very kindly when Seth shakes his hand, and Seth decides he doesn’t trust him. Something about him reminds Seth just a little too much of his father for him to feel entirely comfortable.

Seth complies with the tests and procedures without comment, save for answering the doctor’s questions. Dr. Ellison asks if he has any flowers with him—he doesn’t—and if he can take a sample. Seth just sits and lets him work; he’s only doing this for Aaron’s sake.

After Dr. Ellison takes his samples he sends Seth into the waiting room. Aaron stands up, then sits when Seth shakes his head. It feels like days later when the doctor returns to bring them to a consultation room.

“Mr. Gordon,” he begins.

“Just Seth.”

“Mr. Gordon, your results are troubling. We can schedule you for a removal surgery any day next week, at your earliest convenience, however I have to inform you that removing the flowers will also remove your feelings for whomever they bloom for.”

“A what?” Seth says, agitated enough for Aaron to touch his arm. Seth releases the tension in his shoulders, but he doesn’t unclench his fists.

“A removal surgery. Your situation requires immediate intervention before it’s too—”

“No.”

Aaron blanches. Dr. Ellison remains unfazed.

“Mr. Gordon, in about three months you are going to die. The flowers will puncture your internal organs, and you will be in excruciating pain. Before they reach your lungs they will form a blockage in your throat, rendering you almost entirely incapable of breathing. Before—and during—you will experience frequent, painful vomiting. While this slow and painful death is destroying you from the inside out, you also have to deal with the very real possibility that the person you love may never reciprocate your feelings.”

“Then I choose to die,” Seth says simply.

Seth knows he’s fucked, that much is already certain; he’s choking up honeysuckle every time Aaron blinks his pretty doe eyes. What he doesn’t understand is why this has to happen to him. He can feel his brother Jeremy bashing his head against the wall, pulling his hair, screaming  _ You’re acting like a fucking faggot, Seth! _ but he doesn’t care. No matter how many broken bones and split lips and shattered joints, he still has flowers growing in his lungs, and he’s not letting anyone take them away from him.

“Seth, you have to do the surgery!” Aaron exclaims, equal parts anger and concern.

“I won’t lose him,” Seth says firmly.

“He wouldn’t want you to  _ die, _ Seth!”

“I don’t care. I won’t lose him.”

Aaron clenches his hand into a fist and raises it, as if to hit someone (or something). Seth doesn’t flinch, merely reaches out to cover Aaron’s fist with one hand and places the other on his chest. It’s a silent plea for him to stand down; Aaron takes it with little resistance.

“I’ll be okay,” Seth says, just soft enough for only Aaron to hear. “I’ll be okay, Aar. You don’t have to worry about me.”

Suddenly he’s fourteen again, both eyes blackened, nose broken, lip split. His mother is staring right through him. It’s the first he’s seen her in days, and it’s only because the school principal called.  _ “I’m okay, mom. You don’t have to worry about me.” _

Aaron doesn’t hit him like his mother did that day. He doesn’t do anything besides stand there with Seth’s hands on him, breathing, eyes closed. 

“Can we leave?” Seth asks. Dr. Ellison nods, then holds out a bottle of tiny blue pills. 

“For the pain,” he says. 

Seth walks right by as he leaves.

Aaron doesn’t speak as Seth drives them back to campus. Neither does Seth. The radio is silent, and the only sounds in the air are the occasional bumps in the road. Aaron could cut the tension with a knife if he really wanted to. The bottle of little blue pills is a stone in his hand, but he doesn’t regret taking it; even if Seth hates him for it, at least he’ll have the medicine he needs.

“Seth,” Aaron says when they get back to campus. Neither of the two make any moves to get out of the car. The ‘please’ in his voice is implied. He looks at Seth’s unwavering expression, the heavy set of his jaw, the slight furrow in his brow, the wall of emptiness in his eyes. He shakes his head and takes Seth’s wrist, turns his hand palm up. Seth closes his eyes as Aaron places the bottle of pills in his hand. “Please.”

Seth doesn’t open his eyes until Aaron’s out of the car. He can’t look at him. The slam of the passenger side door startles him, but his grip on the pills doesn’t loosen. He doesn’t open his eyes when the hot tears roll down his cheeks. He doesn’t open his eyes when they stop. He doesn’t open his eyes when his phone buzzes, probably a text from someone in his math class. He doesn’t open his eyes when it buzzes again, or again, or again, until the sounds overwhelm him and he has to see the ‘mute’ button to make them stop.

Seth has five text messages from his math classmate, two from his roommate, and one from Aaron. He doesn’t bother to read any of them, but he makes sure to delete Aaron’s before he has the chance to see it. He realizes he wants to see it as soon as it’s gone.

The bottle is labelled ‘hanahaki suppressants’, with the instructions to take two as needed. Seth thinks, faintly, that if he took them as needed, he’d run out within a week. 

When Aaron goes to get his coffee the next day, Seth isn’t there. He thinks, briefly, that Seth is avoiding him, but dismisses the thought as quickly as it came. The girl working the register looks relatively unamused by his presence, so he makes sure to keep his order short.

“Just an echinacea tea,” he says on a whim, and the girl gives him an odd look.

“You must be Seth’s friend, then,” she says. 

Aaron looks at her quizzically. Seth talks about him to his coworkers?

“That’s his favorite,” she explains, “and he’s out sick. Anything else for you?”

Aaron opens and closes his mouth—not unlike a fish—before asking for a second tea. The girl rings him up and he pays without another word.

The teas are warm in Aaron’s hands on the walk to Seth’s dorm. He knocks on the door just as it’s opened from within. Standing in front of him is Seth’s roommate, whose name Aaron never bothered to learn. He lets Aaron in without question.

“Seth?” Aaron says. 

“Bathroom,” Seth’s roommate answers. Aaron sets the teas down on the table and makes his way toward the bathroom, guided by the sound of vomiting. 

Seth is slumped on the bathroom floor with his head against the toilet bowl. An empty pill bottle is on the floor at his feet; blood lingers on the corner of his lips. As Aaron moves closer he sees the little blue pills floating in the toilet, mixed between the captivating honeysuckle blossoms and a concerning amount of blood.

“Seth,” Aaron says gently, “what did you do?”

“They made me numb,” Seth says, and Aaron’s chest squeezes.

“Numb to the pain?”

“Worse.”

“Numb to—”

“Yes.”

Aaron crouches beside him and places a hand on his friend’s shaking shoulders, rubbing calming circles in a feeble attempt to soothe him. Seth shudders and leans up again to choke another blossom into the toilet bowl. 

“That’s all of them,” he says.

“God, Seth.”

Aaron reaches out and pulls Seth into a tight hug. They’re both shaking. It’s quiet in the bathroom, aside from Seth’s labored breathing. Neither of them have the words to say or the willpower to try. Faintly, Aaron registers the sound of a door opening and closing, and then it’s just them against the world.

The next day it’s like nothing even happened. Aaron is torn between anger and desperation, because Seth is dying and he doesn’t seem to care. So what if he stops loving some guy who doesn’t even love him back? It’s his  _ life  _ on the line.

“You need to go back to the doctor,” Aaron says while they study.

Seth looks at him like he’s just suggested grand larceny and mass homicide. Well, slightly more baffled than that. “And lose him?” Seth says, then shakes his head. “No.”

“Seth,  _ please. _ You’re killing yourself!”

“I don’t care.”

Aaron sighs and shuts his notebook. He’s finished packing his things up before Seth can comprehend what’s happening. “Wait, where are you going?” he asks, unsettlingly panicked.

“To bed,” Aaron says, and then he leaves before Seth can say anything else. 

Seth stares after him with what can only be described as the expression of a widow whose lover was lost at sea thirty years ago, or the face of a man who has seen flowers grow in his own lungs and cannot comprehend a world without them. It’s the longing look of not-quite-despair that fills him with an ache, a yearning. Fuck, he loves this boy.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings for: blood, vomiting, death mention

Seth Gordon has two months left to live. He reminds himself of this every morning when he wakes up, every moment he looks into Aaron’s unfairly golden eyes, every time he’s hunched over a toilet bowl with petals on his tongue, in his throat, wrapped around his lungs.

It’s not long before they fight again. It’s inevitable really, since Aaron is the only one hellbent on keeping Seth alive. Seth can’t blame him, but he can damn sure miss him. 

_ “Why won’t you just get _ help, _ Seth?” _

_ “I don’t want help.” _

_ “You’re so fucking stubborn and it’s literally going to kill you.” _

Seth knows, logically, that he’s making a stupid decision. He’s struggling to breathe now. It’s not terrible, but it leaves an ache in his chest, like he’ll never get enough air to be satisfied. He’s started choking up striped carnations in addition to the usual honeysuckle. It’s almost pretty, he thinks one night. The thought causes a bloody laugh to bubble up in his throat and leaves him gasping on the bathroom floor.

Aaron has stopped calling. Seth misses him like, well, a lung. Though Aaron makes flowers grow in his chest, it’s bearable when he’s around, like his presence is a salve on the constant pain, stitches for his ever-growing wounds. Like an oxygen tank for his punctured lungs. He’s a cool relief that makes the hairs on the back of Seth’s neck stand up and causes goose pimples to sprout on his arms. It’s an addicting feeling, to love someone. 

With less than a month left to live, Seth quits his job. It’s getting harder to talk every day, since his throat is scratched and bleeding at any given moment. He can feel the flowers taking root in his heart now, winding around the steady beats that keep him moving. He finds it ironic that the flowers mostly affect his lungs; he makes a mental note to tell the campus psychologist later.

Aaron barges into his dorm on a Thursday afternoon, maybe a Friday morning? Seth has stopped counting the days. All he knows is there’s only so many left, and he wants to spend them all with Aaron. 

“Seth, just tell me who he is,” Aaron says, knowing Seth isn’t going to initiate any conversations about his condition.

“No,” Seth says.

“Will you go to the doctor?”

“No,” he says again.

“You’re dying, Seth. You’re dying and the way to stop it is right in front of you!”

Aaron is agitated now, running his hands through his hair over and over, pacing across the dorm floor. Seth wants to grab his wrists and pin his arms to his sides, just so he’ll stop worrying. He doesn’t move.

What Aaron doesn’t understand, can’t understand, is that he makes flowers grow inside of Seth. There’s flowers in his stomach and his heart and his lungs, and even though they’re killing him he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care, because there are flowers inside him and he feels whole. There are flowers threatening to tear through his skin but he doesn’t care. The flowers are part of him now. The flowers are the only good thing in his life and he won’t lose them too.

“‘It is better to die on your feet’,” Seth says, “‘than to live on your knees.’” Quietly, so quietly. 

“Now is not the fucking  _ time _ you dramatic  _ asshole!” _

“Who else am I going to say that to, Aaron? When? If there’s anything to be said I think I’d like to say it while I still can.”

Seth coughs violently into his elbow, and without realizing it, honeysuckle and carnation petals fall from his chapped lips into a pile on the floor. Aaron makes a frustrated sound, low in the back of his throat, and Seth wants to hold him.

“I would rather die loving someone,” Seth says, “than live knowing I gave them up.”

Aaron is torn between anger and some serene sort of reverence. He settles for indecision and shakes his head. “God, you’re an idiot,” he says, but there’s no heat. He’s so incredibly fond of Seth that he can’t possibly be upset with him for any longer. “Come here.”

Seth steps into Aaron’s arms and takes a shuddering breath. He’s shaking, and all Aaron can do is hold him tighter. His heart aches for Seth, and somehow it aches for himself as well. After all, Seth is in love with someone that isn’t him. It’s his own fault for getting his hopes up, he supposes. He should know better. How could Seth care for him like that anyway?

At least he’s not the one in love.

Three days later, Seth has a nightmare.

_ Aaron is standing in front of him with blood dripping from his lips. His eyes are frantic. Seth knows he’s dying. _

_ “Seth,” Aaron croaks, and Seth folds him into a tight embrace.  _

_ “It’s okay,” he whispers into Aaron’s hair. “I’m here. You’re safe. You don’t have to worry.” _

_ Aaron’s shaking, sobbing, shuddering in Seth’s arms, and Seth can only hold him tighter. He wants to kiss him. He wants to tell him he loves him, but his lips are sealed shut. _

_ “Tell me you love me,” Aaron says. Seth can’t speak. _

_ “Tell me you love me,” Aaron says again.  _

_ “Seth, tell me you love me!” _

_ Seth tries to lean back to look Aaron in the face, but Aaron collapses in a heap of flowers and blood splatters. _

_ “Aaron!” Seth screams, but Aaron is dead and it’s his fault. _

“Aaron!” Seth screams, but it’s only him and his roommate. He reaches for his phone in a blind panic and dials the one person he knows will help him.

“Seth?” Aaron says, voice heavy with sleep. “What’s wrong?”

“I need—,” Seth begins, but his throat seizes up and his phone clatters to the floor. He faintly hears Aaron say he’s coming, but all he can focus on is the pain.

Somehow Seth finds himself in the bathroom, and an indeterminable amount of time later, Aaron is there. He’s shown up in his jim jams with no shoes on, and Seth wants to kiss him. Instead, he vomits on sight.

“Seth,” Aaron says gently, kneeling at his side, “I need to know.”

“You know,” Seth wheezes. “You’ve known for awhile now.”

Aaron takes a shuddering breath as Seth chokes up more flowers. He knows he doesn’t feel the same as Seth does, not nearly as strong. He can feel it in his stomach like a stone as he stands up, dusts off his pants. “I’m sorry,” he says, and Seth is falling upwards. “I can’t tell you that I love you.”

Aaron places his hands on the sides of Seth’s head and bends down to press a kiss to his forehead. Only at the last moment he chooses to lean their foreheads together; it’s too much to touch him any other way. Seth wheezes and pulls back to vomit up more flowers, more fucking flowers. There’s so many flowers and so much blood and Aaron can’t tell who’s screaming and who’s choking because Seth is slumping down onto the floor and he’s not moving anymore. 

Aaron drops to his hands and knees in front of Seth. He hears himself yelling, and it’s almost enough that he just barely catches what Seth’s wheezing out. “I didn’t want to lose you,” he rasps.

“You don’t have to,” Aaron chokes out, pulling Seth close to his chest. “Stay, Seth. Please.”

“It hurts, Aar.”

“I know it does. It’s okay. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”

Seth goes still, but there’s still warmth left in his skin. He’s still breathing. He’s okay; he’s alive.

“I can’t tell you I love you,” Aaron says after a beat, fingers threading through Seth’s hair, “but I can tell you I want to try. This, us.”

“You,” Seth whispers hoarsely, “are beautiful.”

“Stop talking, bowl cut,” Aaron says, but there’s no heat to it.

“Or what?”

“Or I’ll leave you to bleed out on the bathroom floor.”

“I thought Andrew was supposed to be the asshole, yet here you are, making fun of my haircut and leaving me to my untimely demise.”

Aaron laughs wetly, not registering the tears pooling in his eyes. “You almost died in my arms just now, and you have the nerve to talk about my brother?” 

“You’re not giving me any better options.”

Aaron moves his hands to cup Seth’s cheeks tenderly. Seth sighs contentedly and lets his eyes fall shut. “You’re not dying on me,” Aaron murmurs, wiping the blood away from Seth’s lips with his thumbs. “I would hate to lose you after this moment we’ve had.”

“Not going anywhere, darlin’,” Seth replies, leaning into the touch. “Hard to die when you’re already in heaven.”

“Does that make me an angel, then?”

“I expected someone taller.” Aaron huffs and cranes his neck to the side, brushing a gentle kiss to the corner of Seth’s lips. “You missed.”

“What do you mean?” 

“A little to the left.”

The cheeky grin tugging at the corners of Seth’s mouth makes something warm settle in Aaron’s chest. He moves as if to indulge Seth, but at the last moment leans up to kiss his forehead instead. “Rest,” he says quietly. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“Promise?” 

“I promise.”

Seth sighs deeply and settles against Aaron, murmuring something unintelligible under his breath. Aaron smiles and moves a hand into Seth’s hair. He’ll stay there as long as it takes, because even though he may not love Seth quite yet, he can’t see a future where he never does.


	10. epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for: death mention

**_Several years later_ **

Seth’s apartment is a second home for Aaron, who spends more time there than at his own. It shouldn’t come as a surprise when Seth asks him to move in. The answer is yes, and the move is quick. Aaron doesn’t own too much to transfer anyhow. 

He sleeps better when he’s with Seth. He still gets nightmares sometimes, and Seth is there to chase them away with kisses and soft words and the occasional smack with a pillow. Even if Seth doesn’t wake up when Aaron jolts up in a cold sweat, remembering what could have been, he only needs to look a few degrees to the left to see Seth snoring beside him. He can reach out and touch Seth’s cheek, and Seth will grumble as he leans into the touch.

“I’m right here, sweetheart,” he’ll say, and it’ll be enough to calm Aaron down.

It makes Aaron happy, knowing Seth lived to fulfill his only wish: a cat in an apartment in the city. The cat is annoying and Aaron thinks his name is terrible, but the smiles he puts on Seth’s face make everything worth it.

“Tell me again,” Aaron says over Sunday morning coffee, “why you felt the need to spell ‘Barey’ like that?”

“Because I knew it would annoy you,” Seth teases in reply, bending down to kiss his fiancé’s forehead.

Aaron sighs and shakes his head. “You’re a menace to society,” he says simply.

“You love me.”

“What gave you that impression? It’s rude to assume.”

Seth makes a show out of clutching at his throat and coughing, because he knows it gets a rise out of Aaron.

“That’s not  _ funny,  _ asshole. You could’ve died!”

“But I didn’t.” Seth wraps his arms around Aaron’s torso and kisses the top of his head. “You’ll have to try a lot harder to get rid of me. Many have tried, and all have failed.”

“Well obviously.” A pause. “I love you, you dramatic fucking asshole. Don’t die on me just yet.”

“I promise.”

Aaron takes Seth’s hand and laces their fingers together, bringing it up to kiss the back of his palm. They’ll be okay, because they have each other. What else could they ever need than that?


	11. deleted scenes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> all the scenes that didn't make the final draft! they are largely unedited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings for: probably a lot of things but i don't remember writing half of this

**From Chapter 3:**

He loves Katelyn and she loves him, but in the way that only best friends can love each other. They’re mistaken for a couple more than Aaron cares to remember. It works in Katelyn’s favor since she’s not out, so they never bother to correct anyone. It hasn't been an issue since he’s never liked anyone, but he’s starting to think it might be.

* * *

**Chapter 9, alt. ending** (listen aaron has rights okay. breaking neil's nose is one of those rights.)

There’s a honeysuckle flower resting on Seth’s lips. It’s dripping with his blood. There’s striped carnations blooming from his eyes. Aaron can’t tell what’s part of their pattern and what’s blood. There are sunflowers tearing through his limbs and Aaron has a moment where his mind is empty of all thoughts except that Seth looks at peace, finally at peace. 

He’s moving before he’s thinking, grabbing Seth by the shoulders and shaking him, screaming  _ wake up wake up wake up wake up _ but Seth doesn’t move. Aaron doesn’t hear Seth’s roommate over the ringing in his ears and the sound of his own screams. He feels Seth’s roommate grab him from behind, restraining him, forcing him to let go, let go, just let go, but he’s screaming and shaking and he can’t feel his arms except where Seth’s roommate is holding him. 

_ Seth Seth Seth Seth, _ he screams, but he’s not moving his lips.  _ No no no no, _ he screams, but he’s not opening his mouth. “Please,” he whispers. “Please don’t leave me.”

Seth’s roommate, who Aaron learns is named Ross, tells him to sit down and drink this hot tea and wrap this blanket around his shoulders. He says that an ambulance is coming and so is the campus psychologist. He also says that he’s willing to listen if Aaron needs to talk. Aaron shakes his head and drinks his tea and waits, a shadow, a shell.

Andrew comes a few minutes later, face stony. Ross stops standing near Aaron when Andrew pulls a knife on him.  _ Snap out of it, _ he hears Andrew say, but he doesn’t know what the words mean. He notices that Neil is standing in the doorway minding his own business, and Aaron wants to throttle him. He settles for breaking his nose instead.

* * *

**Chapter 10**

It’s been two months since Seth died. Aaron’s appointments with the campus psychologist don’t make him feel any better about that missing chunk of time in his memory. Betsy says his brain is protecting him from the trauma; Aaron thinks she’s full of shit.

Sometimes he has dreams of blood and flowers and screaming, but they’re vague, and he doesn’t know what to make of them. Sometimes he sees himself holding a knife, Seth smiling as he twists the blade in Seth’s stomach. The ghost of a phrase lingers on his lips for hours after he wakes up. 

He tells Betsy that he thinks he might be responsible for Seth’s death. She doesn’t comment for a moment, and there’s a brief but telling tension in her shoulders that he doesn’t quite know how to interpret. 

“I found something that might explain my dreams,” he tells her. It’s a Thursday afternoon and the tea in his hands has long since gone cold. 

“What would that be, Aaron?” Betsy asks. 

“A disease,” Aaron says carefully, “that makes flowers grow in your lungs.”

Betsy nods thoughtfully and folds her hands in her lap. She always says that she folds her hands like that when she’s thinking of ways to respond; Aaron thinks she’s full of shit. He knows the look on her face because he’s seen it all his life, the silent judgement coupled with insincere sympathy because he’s undeniably broken and she can’t help but feel a little sorry for him. It’s the same look Nicky gave him for weeks.

The clock above Betsy’s head marks the end of their hour before she can respond. Aaron wastes no time standing up and walking out the door. He hears something clatter to the ground, presumably from his backpack. Betsy hands him the bottle of little blue pills before he can bend over to pick it up.

“Thanks,” he says blandly.

Aaron doesn’t like Betsy, and he doesn’t trust her. The only reason he continues to see her is because he knows Andrew is sitting in a chair outside her door during every session. He doesn’t acknowledge the sessions, just sits and waits because Aaron asked him to once.

Aaron is silent as he walks to Andrew’s car. Andrew doesn’t seem to mind, but when they both get inside said car he takes a moment to think. “What is bothering you so much?” Andrew asks. “You think very loudly.”

“I killed Seth,” Aaron says. He sits still for a moment before opening up the bottle of little blue pills and taking two to suppress the choking feeling working its way up his throat. 

“You killed Seth,” Andrew repeats, neither confirming nor denying Aaron’s statement. Aaron nods, then takes a third pill for good measure. He’s perfected the art of swallowing them dry after years of addiction, and the little blue pills go down easier than anything ever has.

“I killed him.”

Somehow, Aaron isn’t surprised at the revelation, and he isn’t upset. It’s a quiet sort of acceptance that settles deep in his bones and for a moment he’s known all along. He supposes that’s why he doesn’t remember it; 

“You say that as if you accomplished something,” Andrew says after a beat. Aaron shakes his head.

“I don’t remember,” he says. “I don’t remember, but I know.”

Aaron goes to visit Seth’s grave on Saturday. The cemetery is quiet and, well, lifeless. There are no flowers planted anywhere, and the only tree in the lot is as dead as its residents. Aaron isn’t surprised that Seth’s family didn’t come to the funeral; he probably would’ve hit one of them if they did.

Aaron kneels at Seth’s grave with a gardening spade and a little pot with honeysuckle planted in it. He’s never been religious, but for a brief moment he considers praying. He dismisses the thought as quickly as it came, and sets to digging a hole in front of Seth’s headstone.

The honeysuckle looks out of place among the withering grass and stale air, but it’s something that Aaron needs to do. It’s a purely selfish motive, he tells himself, and there’s a tightness in his throat as he stands up to leave. He takes two of the little blue pills and screws the cap back on, not realizing that he’s dropped one beside the freshly planted honeysuckle.

“I don’t love you like you wanted me to,” he says, “but I love you in the way that I can. Goodbye, Seth.”

Aaron walks away from Seth’s grave without turning around. Though he’s taken his pills, there’s still a suffocating feeling in his throat when he leaves. He coughs, and a honeysuckle petal floats out of his mouth onto the ground at his feet. He doesn’t recall getting it in his mouth in the first place, but then, he doesn’t remember the death of his best friend, so he thinks nothing of it. He gets in Andrew’s car without a word.

* * *

**Epilogue**

Aaron Minyard has flowers growing in his lungs. The doctor says he has around five months left to live, unless he has them surgically removed. He schedules the surgery without hesitation. The doctor seems vaguely familiar, but Aaron can’t quite place it. 

He faintly remembers Seth saying something about living knowing he lost the person he loved, but his memory is a funny thing that he’s learned not to rely on. He goes into the surgery without fear, and when he comes out, he can breathe again.

“How do you feel?” Nicky asks him.

“I don’t,” Aaron says, and he doesn’t mind that it’s true. What use is it to care about anything anyway? He is living on his knees, and he’s okay with that. 

**Author's Note:**

> as always, you can find me on tumblr [@crows-scones-and-exy-thrones](https://crows-scones-and-exy-thrones.tumblr.com/). if you enjoy my work, consider donating to [my ko-fi](https://ko-fi.com/jupitercorvusprior)!


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